I wrote this blog a couple of months ago I think. I haven't published since 2012.
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I've been a pretty lousy friend. I can look back to so very many times I was completely self absorbed although I really didn't think that I was. Remind me to tell you about a woman named Monica. I'm still doing it now. I haven't nurtured my friendships or relationships with relatives. I always feel awkward and stupid like I'm in a play and forgot the lines. Many times I wonder if maybe I wrote down everything negative about myself that pops into my head I could let it go. I'm not too hard on myself, although I thank you for thinking it. I am there for anyone when the times get tough for them, except for my brother, I wasn't there for him. I could not rise above the emotional pain I felt when around him. I couldn't let go of the ways he poked bitter holes in my image of him. He ruined it and I couldn't get past it. I didn't know how to care for his emotions, nothing about us fit.
Sometimes I say stuff and immediately realize it wasn't true. I think I'm getting dementia. I'm angry at myself for not remembering how to reach for more. I chastise myself for this drama rut I'm in. Seriously, I can not carpe diem to save my life these days. I'm happiest when asleep. I coop myself up in my house and hope my boat doesn't sink.
I vividly see truths about myself, those truths deepen and expand every day. My joy is gone, just gone. My motivation is over, no goals are left. I just don't want to anymore. I can think of things I still want, but they really appear unlikely at best. I feel as though I've just made one huge mistake over and over. That I think I have self awareness, and on some level I do, but on other levels, in action, I don't. On one hand I think I know people, but then something awful happens and I find out that I don't. Is there a cosmic hand that's been gas lighting me my whole life? Just curious.
My Mother was so outgoing, she made a point to reach out to everyone she met......I would just rather not. I have deep love and memories of so many people, and to me we are still there emotionally, but I know for them it was "so long ago". I wish I'd had a husband all these years. The turn of events and the way I made (and still make) decisions were all based on not still being married to David. No one but the father of my children could be a part of our family, unfortunately he was not the right one. So unless I wanted to give up my prime directive, there was to be no one else.
My mother said to me "I won't be here forever". She was in the nursing home when she said that, I did visit her 2 x a week anyway and take her out on the weekend, but I relied on my daughter and brother visiting to pick up the slack. I loved her so much but she said to me once "it's not love if you don't really want to do it" DAMN. Those statements swirl around in my mind all the time. I found the whole exercise painful but pushed through it until panic set in. That wasn't love to her. She often thanked me for "all you do" and told me how much she appreciated me but under that somehow she had a different emotion. Yet I was the one she called to when she was in pain, I'm the one that had to set aside my emotion to do what was right for her, not what was right for me. I often have said I wish I were stronger, and that I know that if I push beyond a certain level that I stop functioning. I've all but completely stopped functioning now anyway.
