gas light

I wrote this blog a couple of months ago I think. I haven't published since 2012.
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I've been a pretty lousy friend. I can look back to so very many times I was completely self absorbed although I really didn't think that I was. Remind me to tell you about a woman named Monica. I'm still doing it now. I haven't nurtured my friendships or relationships with relatives. I always feel awkward and stupid like I'm in a play and forgot the lines. Many times I wonder if maybe I wrote down everything negative about myself that pops into my head I could let it go. I'm not too hard on myself, although I thank you for thinking it. I am there for anyone when the times get tough for them, except for my brother, I wasn't there for him. I could not rise above the emotional pain I felt when around him. I couldn't let go of the ways he poked bitter holes in my image of him. He ruined it and I couldn't get past it. I didn't know how to care for his emotions, nothing about us fit.

Sometimes I say stuff and immediately realize it wasn't true. I think I'm getting dementia.  I'm angry at myself for not remembering how to reach for more. I chastise myself for this drama rut I'm in. Seriously, I can not carpe diem to save my life these days. I'm happiest when asleep. I coop myself up in my house and hope my boat doesn't sink.

I vividly see truths about myself, those truths deepen and expand every day. My joy is gone, just gone. My motivation is over, no goals are left. I just don't want to anymore. I can think of things I still want, but they really appear unlikely at best. I feel as though I've just made one huge mistake over and over. That I think I have self awareness, and on some level I do, but on other levels, in action, I don't. On one hand I think I know people, but then something awful happens and I find out that I don't. Is there a cosmic hand that's been gas lighting me my whole life? Just curious.

My Mother was so outgoing, she made a point to reach out to everyone she met......I would just rather not. I have deep love and memories of so many people, and to me we are still there emotionally, but I know for them it was "so long ago". I wish I'd had a husband all these years. The turn of events and the way I made (and still make) decisions were all based on not still being married to David. No one but the father of my children could be a part of our family, unfortunately he was not the right one. So unless I wanted to give up my prime directive, there was to be no one else.

My mother said to me "I won't be here forever". She was in the nursing home when she said that, I did visit her 2 x a week anyway and take her out on the weekend, but I relied on my daughter and brother visiting to pick up the slack. I loved her so much but she said to me once "it's not love if you don't really want to do it" DAMN. Those statements swirl around in my mind all the time. I found the whole exercise painful but pushed through it until panic set in. That wasn't love to her. She often thanked me for "all you do" and told me how much she appreciated me  but under that somehow she had a different emotion. Yet I was the one she called to when she was in pain, I'm the one that had to set aside my emotion to do what was right for her, not what was right for me. I often have said I wish I were stronger, and that I know that if I push beyond a certain level that I stop functioning. I've all but completely stopped functioning now anyway.

Aunt Dora

My daughter, April, made blueberry coffee this morning. It reminded me of Aunt Dora. That was a really nice memory for her to bring back to me. Aunt Dora was the Aunt I could go to when my Mom didn't "get" me or was holding a grudge like she sometimes would. Aunt Dora always understood my point of view, ALWAYS, yet, somehow, when she was done agreeing with me, I found I ended up understanding Mom. What a talent she had for making me feel understood yet being able to get me to see things my Moms way. (I guess I must concede that she must have agreed with my Mom the whole time). When I drove to Boston to see my doctor I'd stop in Stoughton for a nice visit with her. She'd make chutney and cheese crackers and we'd talk and talk and talk. Had to love Dora's house too, quaint little black ranch with a lovely manicured lawn lined with flowers and trees. Her home was meticulous inside and out, and her cooking superb. Dora was sad inside, but she was always the absolute clown and life of the party when my Mom could convince her to come along. Aunt Dora was gabby too. On days that we would pick her up, I can remember her talking without a breath for however long we were in the car. My Mom said it was because she was just lonely after Uncle Harry passed away. I can understand that.

I've been told that Aunt Dora played a lovely violin, but I never had the pleasure of hearing her. She was shy about it, and my mother only remembered from when she was a young woman. At the end of her life she re-joined a symphony, going back to a great joy, and again being too shy to let us listen.

Aunt Dora died a number of years ago now, irreplaceable and unforgettable, that was my Aunt Dora and we loved her.

NY NY

So they say it's easy to get around New York City. All the streets are numbered in an orderly fashion. I still didn't understand where I was in relation to everywhere else. I am very mixed up how the Library can be both on the way to Central park from Times Square and come after Times Square on the way back. And how was I at times square for more than two hours alone and yet didn't see the M&M store, the Hershey Store or even the Disney Store for heavens sake! Nina had to personally lead me there. Anyway, the one thing I know is that I will have to do a great deal of studying of a tourist map if I am to be able to comfortably get around that city. If it weren't for my friends I may have simply stayed on the one block by the area that the bus dropped us.

Our band of merry travelers gathered at the Prima Care in Fall River at 6 a.m. April and I were actually the first ones to arrive at 5:35. That early arrival is just me over compensating in case there is some mix-up on my part. The first to arrive after us was Nina and her son, Tyler. I've never met Tyler before but I'd know him anywhere, in fact, about a year ago I spotted him walking in the mall simply from seeing Nina's pictures. It was great to meet him  in person. He is warm and friendly as any son of Nina's is bound to be. Tyler is a fisherman and his free spirit is evident in his very persona, he is fearless and brave, I can see that. Tyler can jump directly up onto tall walls and skim along the edges and onto slim obstacles like a tight rope walker. He is strong and confident, brushing of his mothers warnings of meeting us at a certain time and place with a wave of his hand. Nina tried to hide that she would be watching for him, but I knew she was; but Tyler proved capable and reliable every time, always appearing as promised. When I shook his hand at the end of the day, my last impression was of his strong rough hands, from the boat I imagine, all those lines of net........but who knows? Nina told me that his climbing and jumping and sliding around his space so easily has nothing to do with being a fisherman, that he was always like that.......he must have been a handful for his loving Mom, Nina.

The second set of travelers came bumping up the parking lot waving and smiling. It was Carole's Merry band! Driving was her new beau and former high school classmate, Bob, whom I hadn't seen since 1979, it was very cool to meet him again. Very very nice man, funny and kind, generous, I am happy to see him with my Carole and wish them all the best as they explore their new romance. How sweet they were together.  Also in the car was Carole's daughter Amanda, she feels very attached to the city and was anxious to peel off from the group to go meet up with a friend that lives in Manhattan. Amanda is quiet but very loving to little Elijah, taking the little second grader with her to explore the city........when we met up again, Elijah showed us all the things he got while with her, one of his favorites was a little fuzzy worm-like thing that he could glide around without detection of it's "invisible" string. That little boy is such a joy, happy, outgoing, well behaved.......what a treasure he is. I am always overjoyed to have him with us. From what I hear Elijah was especially happy to hear that April was going on the trip. He sure won over her heart, making April laugh uncontrollably with his Donald Duck impression. So darned cute!

Then there was Ryan......ah Ryan.......full of life, happy, funny, bold.........he went off on his own a couple of times to test the waters on the wild side I guess.......came back with a couple of drinks under his belt and a silly streak that totally worked with my daughters bubbly, silly self.  Ryan and April skipped and ran and laughed and joked as we walked the twenty five miles from Times Square to FAO Schwarz. It was great to see her have so much fun.

Think of how nice my friends are.......Carole and Bob took charge for the first half, seeing to it that April and I had water and snacks on the bus, and when we arrived, they made sure that we got to Times Square and had a decent bite to eat at BBKing. Bob and Carole went into Ripplys first, and April got a heavy dose of her favorite store, Sephora, and we spent ample time in Hello Kitty. I am glad that Bob was off with Carole at Ripply's, I really didn't want to put him through visiting those stores. Someday, when you speak to Bob, ask him about the time he played beside BB King, wonderful story! She had even made extra sandwiches in case anyone was hungry on the way home. They were sooooo much better than eating at McDonalds. YUM!

Later on at the end of the day Nina took over the duties of getting April and I to the Disney store. Nina wanted to see and exhibit at the library, but she refused to go there first saying she couldn't live with the thought that I went all the way to NYC and didn't visit the big Disney store. It was soooo wonderful in there, and aside from one mildly unfriendly clerk, the employees of the store had that Disney magic that you normally only find at the parks. I forgot my camera at home (there's a shock) but luckily Nina had hers. I  hope seeing our joy in the Disney store made up for the Library closing when we arrived. I feel so bad about that, but next time we'll make sure to go there first if we have to! We stopped at the Lindt store too, but had I known that Nina had some of her chocolates on the bus I certainly wouldn't have bothered going in there. Nina's chocolates made with love are always going to be superior to ANY store bought confection.

Well, it's obvious to me that April and I would have fun with this group of friends no matter where we visited. Maybe someday they will let me guide them through MY world :-)

My first blog!

I'm very pleased with my life right now....... practical matters are not even close to ideal, mostly linked to the sharp economic down slide I've suffered, and a bunch of stuff that sits on hold for a better day. But if I separate myself from that reality, and enjoy that I have everyone I love most dearly under one roof, the sound of my son napping on the couch, the clicking of my mothers cane and my daughters infectious laughter, and a wonderful circle of good friends, well, it doesn't get any better than this.

In the early morning the house is all mine, everyone is sleeping right here near me where I can know that they are safe and sound. Our cat Chloe somehow knows when I wake up because she always comes jump on my bed in that moment to lay beside me and get a nice belly rub. We call this "cuddle time" but more about Chloe some other time....

Coffee and internet, paperwork, bills, more coffee, laundry, kitchen........  Ma wakes up "Good morning" and then she bends down to pet the cat..... She goes for her daily paper out on the porch, makes some toast and sits at the kitchen table looking at the obituaries first. Every so often she comes to me to tell me about a particularly interesting article, or maybe my cousin sent in an editorial again. I leave for work with her saying "take care; have a nice day Janine"

I choose to leave out my work life, it doesn't fit in with the tone of this blog, except to say that despite it's limitations and disappointments, I am very grateful for my job.

Coming home is even more pleasant than the mornings. I am always greeted by at leased one member of the household when I enter the house, and no matter who it is, it's always with a big smile and an enthusiastic tone. My favorite is the time is when everyone was there when I opened the door big smiles "so glad you're home! we miss you!"  They were aware of how tough that day was going to be for me, and made sure I was falling into loving arms when I got home. On a typical night April has made supper and  taped Judge Judy for me while Nick always says something surprising that makes me laugh and Ma gives me the neighborhood report from her view of the street.....ah, it's good to be home

~Janine